


The Pain of Loss

by Canislupusarctos



Series: Tsunade [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Death, F/F, F/M, First Shinobi War, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Substance Abuse, Tsunade-centric, i still don't know how to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 19:56:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16125608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canislupusarctos/pseuds/Canislupusarctos
Summary: Tsunade lost her faith in the world after she lost her grandfather, Hashirama, then her grandmother, Mito, and the woman who might as well have also been her grandmother, Touka,  then her brother, Nawaki, and finally, her lover, Dan.  Nothing could make her look back as she walked away from Konoha, turning to alcohol and the gambling her late grandfather had loved so much.





	1. Hashirama

Tsunade loved her grandfather, Hashirama.  There were very few people who didn’t, and those few, for the most part, had never met him.  However, she never actually knew him very well at all, and she knew it. For the most part, he had been a happy, silly, playful person, at least outwardly.  He loved gambling, and Tsunade picked up that bad habit from him. Sometimes he would talk about people Tsunade didn’t know. He would talk about her dead uncles Kawarama and Itama, who died long before she was born, though he rarely acknowledged that they were dead.  He would talk about his father, Butsuma, though Tsunade knew he was leaving out a lot. She would never know for sure that Hashirama had only told her the very best things about Butsuma, and left out how he had hit and abused his children, as well as had no qualms about killing babies.  But most of all, Hashirama would talk about an Uchiha called Madara. He spoke very highly of this particular person. Whenever Tsunade asked why she’d never seen him, or if she could meet him, Hashirama would change the subject or look very sad before asking her to drop it.

 

Tsunade never stopped wondering who this mysterious man named Madara Uchiha was, or why he, or even the slightest mention of him, had such an effect on her grandfather.  Little did she know that Hashirama tried his very best to keep her from learning anything anyone else, save for Mito and Touka, thought about Madara. Tsunade had asked Mito and Touka about Madara before.  Both of them had seemed shocked, and a little sad, just like Hashirama. Mito had told her that Madara had been a good friend of hers, and that Madara and Hashirama had a relationship which was trampled on by the Senju elders when they arranged a marriage between her and Hashirama.  When Tsunade had asked why Mito wasn’t angry about their relationship, Mito had replied that it was because she had a similar relationship with Touka, and all involved parties knew and accepted one another’s relationships. Touka had said that she had also been friends with Tsunade’s grandfather’s mysterious lover, and that he was one of the two strongest shinobi to ever live, the other being, of course, Hashirama himself.

 

When Hashirama had gone off to war, Tsunade had been ten.  Despite his monstrous strength, she’d been worried he wouldn’t return.  Hashirama tried his best to hide it, but Tsunade could tell that he was not well, mentally, and it had begun to affect him physically.  It manifested in small but noticeable ways. Hashirama got sick more often, was in a constant state of lethargy, acted happy less often, his face was just slightly hollow, skin pale, eyes glazed, and smile weak.  Everyone who noticed knew it wasn’t old age. Mito, Touka, and Tsunade did what they could, but nothing seemed to help enough, nothing could fill what Tsunade had come to correctly guess was the Madara-shaped void in his heart.

 

Before Hashirama left for war, he had found Tsunade to say goodbye.  He said to her, knowing full well that he would not return from the war alive, “After this war, how about I teach you some powerful new jutsu, Tsuna?  You could become the Goddess of Shinobi.”

 

Tsunade had replied, “Just make sure you come back.”

 

Hashirama had smiled, a very obviously fake smile.  “I promise.”

 

Concerned that he wouldn’t keep his promise to come back from the war, Tsunade had pulled what she thought was her trump card.  “You know, you keep talking about Madara, and with the way you act when I ask where he is, I think that maybe you don’t know, so after the war, maybe we can go find him!”

 

This time, Tsunade did not see through Hashirama’s facade as he smiled again, partly genuine, as his granddaughter made him happy.  It was also partly false, as he believed Madara to be dead, though, as it turned out, Tsunade was correct in her assumption that Madara was alive, and Hashirama incorrect in his assumption that Madara was dead.  Maybe, if Hashirama had kept his promise, and allowed Tsunade to drag him out on what he would’ve thought a wild goose chase, they would’ve been able to find Madara and bring him back. “Alright, Tsuna. You got me.  We can look for Madara when I get back.”

 

Tsunade, believing his lie, hugged him and asked again, “Promise?”

 

Hashirama lied again, though it pained him to do so to his own granddaughter, “I promise.”

 

As Tsunade watched her grandfather leave the village, she felt relief.  She thought that he would come back from the war. She thought she could help him find his long-lost lover, and restore his broken heart.  She wanted him to be able to stop being so distant.

 

\----------

 

Only a few weeks later, the entire village was in chaos.  Mito, Touka, and Tobirama had also gone off to war not long after Hashirama had.  But after those few weeks, they were all back. Mito burst through the village’s entrance, with the smallest amount of composure anyone had ever seen her with, Hashirama nearly unconscious and dying in her arms, blood completely soaking both of them.  Touka and Tobirama were hot on her heels. Tsunade wasted no time following them once she saw them. By the time she skidded into Konoha’s hospital, she saw the medical ninja’s healing chakra fade away, and the shaking of their heads. Mito, Touka, and Tobirama, all three of them usually very calm, had all lost their cool.

 

Tsunade ran up to them as the medical ninja left.  She screamed at them not to give up, barely hearing herself.  When they didn’t listen, only shook their heads again, Tsunade tried to use her own healing prowess, the jutsu Hashirama himself had taught her.  When she grew older, she would not remember many of the jutsu he’d taught her that she was not quite ready for while he still lived, so she would create her own.  But some of his jutsu had become hers. The healing chakra surrounding Tsunade’s hands was powerful, already second only to Hashirama’s, but it was not enough to heal injuries as serious as the ones her grandfather had sustained.  Hashirama turned his head to look Tsunade in the eye. “Tsuna, it’s too late. But now, I can finally be with Madara.”

 

Tsunade shook her head.  “No. I will save you! And we’ll look for him together!”

 

The sight of so much blood was beginning to get to Tsunade, and it was where her fear of blood first began, though it wouldn’t become unbearable until much later.  Hashirama laughed more bitterly and weakly than Tsunade had ever heard him laugh in her entire life. “That’s right, I never told you. Madara died years ago. A little over ten years before you were born.  I’m actually surprised it’s taken this long for me to die, because I’ve been dying little by little ever since he did. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you what happened. I think...Madara would have liked you, if he’d lived to meet you.  You would’ve liked him too. Don’t fail like I did, Tsuna.”

 

As Hashirama drew his last breath, tears slipped out of the eyes of four people who rarely cried.  And, unbeknownst to anyone, far away, another person, thought to be dead, sensed the disappearance of Hashirama’s chakra.  For the first time, the purple spirals of the Rinnegan spread outward from the center of two eyes that filled with tears which dripped onto the cold stone beneath.

 

Mito then turned to Tsunade.  “Do you know why your grandfather died?”

 

Tobirama opened his mouth to interrupt, but Touka slapped a hand over it before he could say a word.  Tsunade shook her head. “I only know that he wasn’t well. But it has something to do with Madara, didn’t it?”

 

Tobirama pried Touka’s hand off his mouth and spat, “It has  _ everything  _ to do with Madara!  He~”

 

Mito talked over him before Touka grabbed Tobirama again, putting her hand over his mouth.  “Tobirama is right that it has everything to do with Madara, but don’t let his biased and angry opinion become fact in your mind.  After Madara died, Hashirama was never the same again. His happiness was less genuine, his psychological and physical health slowly declined, and, at some point, he began to lose it.  He didn’t sleep properly after that either. I could tell the memory of Madara haunted his dreams. Today, he let himself be killed. He said he was done living life after losing so many people.  He said he didn’t want to live after losing first two of his younger brothers, then many family and friends, and finally Madara. It took twenty years, but, in the end, Madara’s death broke him. He told us this before walking straight into an ambush he knew was there.  Touka and I had to physically restrain Tobirama.”

 

Tsunade asked, “How did Madara die?”

 

Mito looked away.  “That’s...something best taken to the grave with us.”

 

Tsunade ignored the tears streaming down her face.  “Okay, I won’t ask, but...if he meant so much to Grandfather, can you tell me what Grandfather would not?  I want to know everything.”

 

Mito nodded, and Touka let Tobirama go.  He immediately started raging in a way he never did.  He cursed Madara’s name, blaming him for his brother’s death.  He didn’t stop to consider that, had he not killed Izuna, or even not ostracized Madara and the entire Uchiha clan, what happened would never have happened, and Madara and Hashirama would have stood together on that battlefield, united, strong, unbroken, and victorious.  They would have won the entire war within weeks. Meanwhile, Tsunade, Mito, and Touka just wished all the tragedies that had led to Madara’s death, then to where they currently were, never occurred. Though the tragedies went back far further than any of them would ever know.


	2. Tobirama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t even read this through once, I just need to update one of my ongoing stories before I go to sleep, since it’s been too long and I have art commissions to do tomorrow plus event art and writing to work on. So if you see any mistakes, please let me know!

Tsunade’s relationship with her great uncle Tobirama had never been as close as the one she shared with Hashirama, but it wasn’t like she didn’t care about him.  He’d been more externally distant, but he’d been more  _ there _ .  His mind wasn’t deep into the past, regret, and sorrow.  At least, not as much as Hashirama’s had been. He’d lost a rival, certainly, by his own hand, though they hadn’t really been friends.  Certainly nothing close to what Hashirama and Madara were to one another. He’d lost all three of his brothers, but at least he hadn’t lost the person closest to his heart, the way his last brother had.  And only now was he beginning to understand how the person he hated the most felt. How he’d felt because of Tobirama himself.

 

A fourteen year old Tsunade had asked him, “Why did you kill Great Uncle Izuna if you knew Grandfather was trying to make peace with them?  Didn’t it only drag out the conflict?”

 

Tobirama had been hoping she wouldn’t ask, and had almost believed it since it had been four years since the day Mito and Touka had told her... _ most  _ things.  He ignored her at first.  But when he felt a tug on his sleeve, Tobirama turned around.  He had a soft spot for children, especially his grand niece. Unfortunately, though, it pained him just to look at her or even think about her, she reminded him so much of Hashirama.  And sometimes, because of how she acted, she reminded him of his hated enemy Madara as well. How he hated that  _ bastard  _ for taking his brother from him.  For what Mito and Touka had said was true.  Hashirama might as well have been dead since the day he fought Madara at Shuumatsu no Tani, and he had walked into the ambush and allowed himself to be killed because of losing Madara.  But sometimes, when he looked at Tsunade, he saw both Hashirama and Madara in her. It was like seeing two ghosts fused, one loathed, the other loved, unable to be separated. Hashirama had been right about what he said on his deathbed.  Madara  _ would  _ have liked Tsunade.  And that made Tobirama seethe.  Why did she have to be the kind of person  _ Madara  _ would like?  Then he remembered that Madara had liked Hashirama too, loved him even.  And Tobirama certainly didn’t hate his own brother. But Tsunade’s existence was painful for him nonetheless.  Not to mention the way she sometimes called Madara “Grandpa” And Izuna “Great Uncle” now, after being told. The kid felt like she knew the two of them.  And maybe she did. Maybe she had some sort of supernatural connection to them because of Hashirama.

 

Gritting his teeth, Tobirama answered, “Because I hated the Uchiha.”

 

Tsunade frowned.  It was obviously not the answer she had wanted.  “You always say that. Sure you were at war, but Grandfather and Grandpa didn’t hate each other!  They wanted to make peace and build Konoha together!”

 

Forcing down his anger and trying desperately to erase the mirage of Madara he could see over Tsunade, Tobirama responded, “Well, Hashirama and Madara were too idealistic, and too attached to one another.  And look where it got them. First Madara died very young, Hashirama lied to you for years because it was too painful, everyone else went along with it, and then he committed suicide because he couldn’t take it anymore.  You see? It’s better if the Senju and the Uchiha don’t try to pretend they can be one.”

 

This only seemed to make Tsunade angry.  She shouted, “Maybe you should have more faith in idealism!  Perhaps it would’ve worked out better if you all hadn’t gone for the kill in every fight!  Or even if you tried not to kill Grandpa’s brother! You knew that killing his brother would make things worse!  You could’ve tried. You knew Grandfather and Grandpa would form an alliance at some point, so why not let it happen easily?  If Great Uncle Izuna hadn’t died, then the alliance would’ve been made sooner, Grandpa wouldn’t have died, and Grandfather would also still be alive!  You killed not only your rival, but also your brother’s lover and your own brother! Maybe they didn’t die by your hand, but your actions caused it! Wake up and take responsibility!”

 

Tobirama fumed as Tsunade stormed away, his grief, anger, and despair-clouded eyes seeing both her and Madara.  He’d exploded after keeping his emotions pent up for so long. But he knew deep in his heart that she was right.  He’d known for a long time. Hashirama had never said it, but it hung in the air. When Hashirama committed suicide with the ambush, Tobirama thought of his own actions, a single jutsu, knowing that his brother’s suicide was the latest, but certainly not the last, consequence of his actions.  No, the next consequence, Tobirama knew, would be his own death, because of his guilt and Hashirama’s death, and the last one would be years, possibly centuries or even millenia later. He wished he’d been able to part with Tsunade on more amicable terms, but he also knew he couldn’t bring himself to ever return to Konoha, Nidaime Hokage or not.

 

Meanwhile, Tsunade could feel emotions strangling her as she walked away from her great uncle.  She saw Jiraiya standing by a house and walked faster. He tried to talk to her, but she ignored him and ran, fighting tears.  She got the dreaded feeling that Tobirama wouldn’t be coming back, for he had been about to head off to the Second Shinobi World War.  Tsunade, Jiraiya, and Orochimaru’s sensei, Hiruzen Sarutobi, would also be going, but they weren’t going with him. The feeling Tsunade had was almost exactly the same as the one she had gotten when Hashirama went off to war four years earlier.

 

While waiting for her sensei and her great uncle to come back from the war, Tsunade did nothing but train.  Without a jounin to lead the team, she was stuck in the village, so training was the most productive thing she could do.  As usual, Jiraiya didn’t train much, and Orochimaru...probably trained. It was hard to tell when he was nowhere to be found.  However, a couple times, Tsunade’s teammates had asked if she was okay, and why she was throwing herself into training with so little care and so much aggression.  They’d been met with no response so far. Tsunade had ignored everyone in favour of practicing chakra control, ninjutsu, taijutsu, and medical ninjutsu. She’d even considered sneaking out of the village to go fight.  She knew she was stronger than many of the adults who were on the battlefield, and that there were other, younger children out there.

 

One day while Tobirama and Hiruzen were still away from Konoha, Tsunade snapped while her teammates pushed for answers.  Instead of being met with stony silence, Jiraiya and Orochimaru witnessed Tsunade shatter the ground and yell, “Just leave me alone!  I want to go fight, but they won’t let us!”

 

Even then, at the breaking point, Tsunade wouldn’t tell them what the root of the problem was.  She was no bloodthirsty shinobi, so she didn’t want to fight for the sake of fighting or killing, but she did want to fight.  However, it was to  _ prevent  _ death, particularly of her loved ones.  This was what would eventually cause her to become a bitter, angry, drunk gambler, caring for no one, once all of her loved ones died.  While she cared for everyone, that care would eventually be retracted, extending only to her loved ones, who, by that point, would be dead.  That was also the day Tsunade decided she would sneak out to the battlefield. She could fight and heal, so she was sure she would be fine.

 

But, just as she was wriggling through the hole she created in the wall surrounding Konoha, Tsunade heard shouts of shock, and people crying.  It was frustrating to be able to hear just enough to know something bad had happened, but not enough to know what, and to be unable to see. Frantically trying to escape the darkness that seemed now to be closing in on her, Tsunade elbowed the side of the small hole she made, no longer bothering with stealth.  A large section of wall shattered, and she ran over to the source of the noise. Hiruzen, Kagami Uchiha, Torifu Akimichi, Koharu Utatane, Danzo Shimura, and Homura Mitokado were stumbling to the village, exhausted, blood speckling their clothing, and carrying another person with them. No doubt it was Tobirama, and Tsunade was sure the blood was his.  A few other shinobi had crowded them and were shouting in shock or crying.

 

Tsunade had known this would happen.  She only wished she had gotten up the courage to sneak out in time.  Pushing people aside, Tsunade made her way to her great uncle’s side.  He was already dead, there was no mistake. But that didn’t stop Tsunade from trying.  Green chakra poured from her hands, at first a strong, steady flow, eventually waning to a weak trickle.  She had to be dragged away after nearly passing out from chakra exhaustion.


End file.
